Sitting It Out: When Self-Sabotage Disguises Itself as Self-Care

Have you ever told yourself, “I’ll sit this one out,” and felt a wave of relief as the weight of expectation lifted? Maybe you’ve convinced yourself it’s a form of self-care—a way to protect your peace or avoid unnecessary drama. But if we’re honest, how often is this really a deliberate act of self-preservation versus a quiet surrender to fear, doubt, or past pain?

For someone like me—career-driven, introspective, and admittedly a bit of a perfectionist—it’s easy to conflate healthy boundaries with the barriers I’ve built to avoid vulnerability. But this isn’t just about protecting yourself from external disappointment. Sometimes, the enemy isn’t “out there.” Sometimes, it’s you.

The Quiet Voice of Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage doesn’t always roar. It whispers. It tells you that sitting out is safer, that you’ll avoid failure, rejection, or regret. It cloaks itself in self-righteousness:

• “I deserve a break.”

• “They don’t deserve my energy.”

• “I’m just protecting my peace.”

While these statements can be true, they’re also dangerous when they become an excuse to avoid risk, growth, or connection. The problem isn’t in the act of stepping back; it’s in the why.

Boundaries vs. Barriers

I’ve written before about relationships, soulmates, and overcoming the fear of love. When you’ve been hurt—whether by failed relationships, career disappointments, or childhood trauma—it’s tempting to create walls and call them boundaries. But boundaries are flexible; they’re designed to protect you while still allowing for connection and growth. Barriers, on the other hand, shut everything out. They leave you sitting on the sidelines, convincing yourself it’s safer that way.

Why We Sit It Out

1. Fear of Disappointment: If you don’t try, you can’t fail—or be hurt.

2. Perfectionism: Anything less than perfect feels like failure, so why risk it?

3. Overthinking: You’ve replayed every possible scenario in your head, and none of them feel worth the effort.

4. Burnout: Sometimes, sitting out is a genuine need—but only if it’s part of a plan to recover and re-engage.

When It Becomes Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage tricks you into thinking you’re in control, when really you’re stuck in fear. It’s the voice that tells you not to apply for that promotion because you might not get it, or to avoid a relationship because it could end like the last one. It tells you it’s better to sit out than to risk the sting of failure.

But here’s the thing: disappointment is inevitable. Whether it comes from trying and failing or from the regret of never trying at all, pain is part of the process. Sitting it out doesn’t save you from hurt—it just delays it.

How to Push Past It

1. Ask Yourself, “Is This Fear or Self-Care?”

If stepping back feels like relief, dig deeper. Relief from what? Fear of failure? Fear of rejection? If it’s fear, you’re likely sitting it out for the wrong reasons.

2. Reframe Failure as Growth

Failure isn’t the enemy—it’s feedback. Every misstep teaches you something valuable. Sitting it out robs you of the chance to learn and grow.

3. Take Small Risks

If diving in headfirst feels overwhelming, dip a toe in. Send the email, make the call, say yes to the coffee date. Small actions build momentum.

4. Recognize the Pattern

Look back on past decisions. How many times did sitting it out truly serve you? And how many times did it leave you wondering, What if?

5. Embrace Vulnerability

Growth, love, and success all require a degree of vulnerability. It’s scary, yes, but it’s also where the magic happens.

A Personal Reflection

I’ve been guilty of self-sabotage in the past—sitting out opportunities, relationships, or moments that felt too risky. Sometimes, I’ve called it self-care. Other times, I’ve justified it as protecting my peace. But deep down, I knew it was fear. Fear of being disappointed. Fear of not being good enough.

But here’s what I’ve learned: sitting it out doesn’t protect you from disappointment—it protects you from living. Life isn’t meant to be played from the sidelines. It’s messy, imperfect, and sometimes painful, but it’s also beautiful, vibrant, and full of unexpected joy.

Will I Take My Own Advice?

Here’s the twist: while I’ve written a lot lately, peeling back layers and revealing a more vulnerable side of myself, the real question is—will I actually take my own advice?

It sure sounds good on paper, doesn’t it? But truthfully? Probably not. See, I’m a runner. It’s what I do. When life gets messy, uncomfortable, or too real, I lace up my metaphorical running shoes and bolt. It’s instinctual—self-preservation disguised as avoidance.

Maybe my next writing will be about finally hanging up those running shoes. About placing my feet firmly on the ground, standing still, and saying, “Okay… here I am. And this time, I’m staying.”

Wishful thinking? Maybe. But who knows? Maybe that’s where the real story begins.

Xoxo,

Natasha